Missing you...

I just had an epiphany in my bed after another hard day of auditions, and work, and running around the city. I have been so caught up in me for the past 9 months while I have been here. I have worried about what I am learning, what I am doing, where I am working, what I am auditioning for, who I am dating, what physical things I can acquire to make my dream of being a working actor appear more real. All of this has cluttered my mind, and it has been no more evident than in this blog. Look through the previous post, not that I am suggesting you should, but you will find such self indulgence. It's a huge reflection of what has been in my head. I am usually pretty transparent, and my blog is no different in that sense
So after a hard day, an especially hard day, I decided to take a bath. I haven't taken a bath in months, It has been even longer since I took time to meditate. Tonight I held a seance. I had a session. I invoked the things I want and I invited to them in my life. I had a dear friend say to me tonight, "You are famous." I, of course, protested. The same friend went on to say, "You don't have to be so anxious, you are going to get what you want. You have the drive. You have the talent. Just let it happen when it happens." It just hit me so hard, almost like walking out of a fog. I get it. I don't have to work so hard in my mind, or on my blog, or to my friends, or to anyone, or to anything to prove that I am worthy of living here and that I can accomplish my dreams. I don't have to convince one cotton-pickin' thing. It just is. I just am. I will put in the work. I will put in the effort. But the jobs are coming, The opportunities are coming. The dreams are being fulfilled. My life is going to be exactly as it should be, and all of the worrying, convincing, proving, striving, or shitting on myself (metaphysically speaking) in the world won't matter.
It all just is going to happen as it should.
I then got out of the bath.
I was listening to jazz and laying in bed, in the dark with one candle. I then remembered what was most important to me. I remembered my family. I started to remember everyone I have lost. I started grieving over family members I have lost and haven't grieved over yet. My family is the most important thing to me. To me, my family is the best thing on the planet. It inspires me to write a musical about them. My family is entertaining, beautiful, talented, hilarious, rude, draining, filled with secrets, and the thing that completes me.
We have lost so many, but their spirits still resonate through my mind, my spirit and my body. My uncle Jeff was an excellent father figure while my father had to work in Chicago for a year or more. He spoiled me and Tara. He had an infectious laugh... one I hear in myself sometimes. His joy was infectious. His light was bright. And all of
these things still ring true. We lost him 2 years ago now, damn that is too hard to believe. My beautifully elegant grandmother, Mama whom taught me so many lessons I never wanted to learn. She taught me how to carry myself, even from a wheelchair for some amount of her life. She taught me how to speak of yourself, how to treat others with dignity and yourself with dignity. She was so intriguing, and loving in a way I will never forget. Her views and her stories and her thoughts will live in me and through me forever.
Nana was a beautiful great aunt of mine. She taught me elegance and grace. She taught me fun and propriety. She taught me how to have fun, how to show unending graciousness. She exemplified so many things, but most of all an unending love, even for strangers. She cared for you if she knew your name. She is a great woman I think of all the time up here, because she lived in this city and roamed the same streets I roam. I hope she is getting a kick out of all this I am doing up here.
Margaret was a dear great aunt as well. She was a survivor. she was such a strong woman, and a loving woman. I found myself compelled to her energy. She captivated me. Even after her stroke, and she couldn't speak or be the woman she wanted to be, she still communicated and loved and was an amazingly beautiful example.
Gloria was a beautiful aunt, and though I didn't understand a lot of her understandings when I was young, they sit with me now. She is always with me, her thoughts, her guidance. Her light was always bright and magnetic. It has only been in the last 4 years though that I wish she was with me to help me and show me her thoughts. I find myself thinking more and more like her. She was so progressive and smart. If anything I have had a great starting point of understanding, what I now find, the most influential world views.
The last person, but certainly not the least person I think of, is my mother's mother, Memaw. She was a firecracker of a lady. She was a trip. She never knew a stranger. She loved the simpler things. She loved laughter, music, she loved the beach, the mountains, family, she loved life. She is always with me and in me. I know that for sure. She is my best friend and my strongest advocate, even now. Her spirit lives inside of me.
But those aren't even all of the great family members I have. BB,Barry, Rex, David, Wendy, Zack Josh, April, Ernie, Suzanne, Judy, Brie, Beth, John, Emma, Michael, Amy, Dee, Karen, Patti, Holden, Harry, Erika, and of course Mom, Dad, and Tara. These are just the immediate family members. This doesn't even include the extended family. I am so lucky. I have the craziest, zaniest, most loving, generous family in the world.
They inspire me. I love them to my wits end. When I get my first Tony award I won't have time to thank industry people, I will have to thank these people. These are the people that helped create me into what I am now. They are the lights of my life. The ones that have passed on are with me, we had a great session tonight. The ones that are still here are my motivation. I am so into them.
Come to think of it, why not write a musical about them? I think have something to create.
... a song that has stuck with me lately from a group I just adore.