whatever happened to the "how to deal" manual?

Each day seems to bring new challenges. This week has been especially trying. My uncle died today. My uncle who was only 47, died of a heart attack. It seems foreign to even write those words. He was only 47. We used to be so close. He would make my sister and I feel super cool, when we weren't. He would take us to movies, cruising, out to the beach. He talked to us like we were adults, back when that seemed alluring. He told us great stories about his childhood, and what my mom was like. He gave us every bit of himself. His laugh was, is, was, contagious. His smile lit up a room and personality was miles bigger than himself. He was truly a great individual. He had his flaws, but he was always the first to admit them. Honesty came easy to him and his ease was infectious. He was suave before I knew what suave meant. I looked up to him in a lot of ways during puberty. He was a model figure other than my dad, and I felt like I could roll with him. He made me feel cool. He was so much to me and my sister. He was guiding force in the family. Whenever he missed a family gathering it was always noticed, but more importantly, missed. 

Once I was stranded on beach road, my mom had forgotten to pick me up from the movies. It was one of those steaming hot early summer days and we began to walk our way over the bridge and onto the island. The nearest gas station we came across, me and my friend scrounged all of the change we had to call my grandmother. She thought is was a prank phone call and hung up. Dejected we called him, on collect, and he answered. In no time he picked us up, took us to get ice cream, and every bad thing about walking in 100 degree heat seemed to melt away. He was that cool.

It is weird to think that my mom's younger brother is dead. Dead. really, honest to god, dead. God it is weird. I know it hasn't entirely seeped in yet, I won't let it. I have papers to write before I can begin to mourn. I have papers to write and a test to study for and take on Friday.  

 Graduation is May 10th, classes end April 30th . I have 5 tests to take before tuesday, 2 research papers to write, a novel paper and a take home exam to complete. By Friday the papers will be done, two tests taken and then I will have a long car ride in front of me.

The funeral is Saturday. I am supposed to sing at it, which is when I am sure the reality of all this will hit me. That is when I won't be able to make it through the song, because the reality of his passing will really hit.

I feel paralyzed. My mind is moving, but not in productive ways. It feels as though the harder I push to graduate the more this university pushes back. I want to graduate so badly, but everyday seems to present another obstacle. I have to do well on my tests, all of them. I have to do well on my papers. I have to graduate. Now if only I could get myself to calm down and focus on something more productive. 

I got nothing. 

I don't know how this will turn out. Clearly, no one knows what could happen tomorrow. I can only hope that things can only get better from here. Things have got to get better, gradually and with time. 

I need help.