From the loins

I had a teacher who used to always say if you ever did anything onstage and it didn't come from the loins (meaning your crotch, your guts, your root) then it wasn't any good.
Here it goes.
Thanksgiving was great. I had a beautiful time. I really loved getting to see everyone that I could fit in over a short period. This year I realized how in love I am with my family. They are so great, and crazy, and weird, and obnoxious, and beautiful. I love them, and this year I was able to open my eyes and really see that love in a new way. I also got to see my best friend in Wilmington. Terrill looks so good, and he is doing so well. I had such a blast catching up with him and getting a glimpse of his life lately. He is a beautiful human being, and I am so lucky to have him. I also got to see Debbie, Meredith, Jen, Max, Reece, and Michelle. God, they are all so brilliant in their own ways. They made my time in Southport the best part of being in Southport. I also got to see my best friend in Asheville. Kristen is doing so well for herself. Planning, scheming, preparing, doing, directing, acting. She is carving out a nice place for herself in that town, not that she plans on staying. Graham, Forrest, Cary, Katie, Kevin, Josh, Ashley, Melodie, and everyone else I got to see were all such gifts. I am so lucky to have so many awesome, supportive friends. I guess that's another thing I was able to realize, I really have a ton of love behind me. I couldn't be more lucky. I mean that. I have so much for which to be thankful.
Coming back to New York proved to be really daunting. I have spent the week trying to get back into the groove. I have had some fun times this week, but a lot of it has been bad and I would be dishonest not to say that. I am in the midst of job hunting, still. I really hate job hunting. I have some good leads and hopefully they will prove to be so over the next few days. I have some good auditions coming up, which I am more excited about. I am so excited because I have strong pieces with strong objectives. I like how my work is progressing. I also went to A Very Mary Holiday on Monday where I sort of helped Marti, who created the event, as his right hand guy. I loved the event. It was beautiful. So many great talents came to perform. So many beautiful people came to support the cause (the concert was for the Ali Forney center). Oh! In case you don't know, the Ali Forney center helps take in beaten and battered homosexual kids. The President literally got up and told a story of a girl he had recently taken in, whose father douced her in gasoline and intended to burn her, alive. It was so bizarre, but touching, and inspiring that these kids have a place to go. It is a great foundation, and something I was really proud to see Marti help. I spent a beautiful night with Roxanne the night they lit the Christmas tree in Rockafellar Plaza. She is the greatest. We had a long night of great talks, and she showed me a GREAT beer place in midtown. It has a ton of things I have to try!
So I guess a lot of good happened this week, but I have felt this weight of depression holding me down. I guess the mixture of not having the jobs I want, feeling of complacency and backwardness, coupled with being back in the city, and dealing with a hurt heart have all taken a toll on me. I haven't left the house too much, and only to go to work. I haven't really enjoyed anything, especially these last 3 days. I could barely get out of bed one day. I have gone on dates this week, and they were all terrible. I have tried to get a job, to no avail. I almost feel like I am getting dumber, so I have been reading anything I can. I have felt like I can't do anything, so I simply haven't tried a lot to anything. I know this is just a rut. This is just a setback. There are a ton of good things in the future. There is a ton in front of me. But right now, it hasn't been the greatest. I have been telling myself to live in the moment, in the present and really feel that. It has helped a lot. I have, for the first time in a long time, really experienced all of this turmoil and complacency and guilt and anguish, really. It's a lot to go through, but I can't cheat myself of this experience.
In an attempt to educate myself I have been re-reading Rilke. He said, live the questions, and damnit that is what I am doing. I am also re-reading Stanislavski's An Actor Prepares, and I am finding a ton of depth in it, which I didn't find in the beginning. I am also reading on the attacks going on in Uganda. There is news of a bill their government wants to pass killing all gay people, and those who harbour them. I have also been reading on Greek mythology, specifically because of the new rock opera at The Duke. I don't know enough about so much. I have so much to learn. I am trying though, one day at a time.
I am also writing my memoirs. I am going to name them, "The Road to Broadway". Then end of the book will be my opening night on Broadway. So far I love writing them. I think it is so great to get out all of these stories I have kept inside of me. Eventually I will start posting excerpts. For now, know I am only 2 years into my life. I have a long way to go, but I have to say writing this book makes me even more thankful, happy, sad, upset, hurt, loved, joyful, and all sort of things. If i can express any of that, then it will be worth the work.
I don't know if any of this is coherent, but that is a representation of this week. I have been all over the place.
Here is a video to close it out. I just discovered it tonight, and it inspired me to write. I also requested the sheet music from the composer already. I would love to get my hands on this peice. Same song, one is the girl's key and the other is the guy's key. I have felt a lot of this over the week.