deep breathe... and blog

I haven't blogged in a while, and sort of on purpose. A lot is going on right now. I feel as though I am on this continual precipice. I keep jumping off reading to find a landing point, a point of stability, but instead it turns into this reoccurring thing, sort of like a nightmare or something. I don't know. I only know that this sort of sucks. I have felt complacent now for over half of a year. What the fuck. When does stability set in? I know this complacency is essentially my fault. I was the one who did poorly last spring in my classes, thus having to deal with it now. I was the one who kept jumping into shit that I didn't need, and kept avoiding the things I did need. I  was the one who kept bothering with people who brought me no satisfaction, no friendship, only heartache. This year so far hasn't gone at all like it was supposed to, and all I can wonder is when did I fuck up? When did I get this really awful karma? But the republican, the small tiny republican within me can't help but say that I didn't just fall into all of this, I put this in myself. And I imagine it is a mixture,  a sort of combination. An awful combination. 

First of all. I keep running from project, place to place, thing to thing, essentially missing what I need to focus on. And this sort of avoidance doesn't help my current situation. This sort of action doesn't help the complacency. And this is a public affirmation of what you all have probably been wondering about me. You probably have been wondering what the hell am I doing? When am I going to slow down and breathe, and actually focus an concentrate on the bigger goals at stake. The truth is I honestly do want to move to New York, I want to live with Roxanne and Blake, and I want to try and act in the city. I know haven't been the most stable person for the past  months. I haven't been a good friend, student, son, brother. I haven't focused on anything for more than a nanosecond to do any of this. Ok so, admission is the first step. So I know I am doing all of this, sort of like everything in the back of my mind is actually true. That sort of sucks, but I know it is real, and so I am ready to change it up. 

Second of all, I have been single, essentially my entire life. Yet with this information you would think that I am perfectly capable of being alone, but you'd be wrong. I have this weird aura that makes me want to be busy with someone at all times. WHY?! I am still not comfortable with being by myself, regardless of being single for, well for forever. I have to overcome this. I am never going to attract anyone with this sort of mental handicap. I have got to start being ok with me before I am ok with someone being with me. 

Third of all, here I am in asheville. Essentially, because once this camp runs out next week I will have to find real work. Not that I am not looking. I am looking for jobs, just not as hard as I should be. I am up here with this job running out, classes more than halfway over, and then I am just stuck up here with nothing, and for nothing, only to take a class in the fall. WHAT THE FUCK!  I can't do this to myself. I need to justify staying in Asheville. I need a job, I need to be busy creating, because if I am not, I will go crazy. I need to find a purpose for the rest of this year essentially before it becomes one giant cluster fuck. That's sort of what this year has been, is... NOT ok. I can't let an entire slip by without doing anything. I am only getting older. I am still not accomplished in acting, singing or dancing, and that  is the only real passion that I have. So how can I reconcile all of this? I need classes, thats one way I guess. I need to perform, that would be another way. But I feel like I know what I am supposed to do with my life... it is just trying to convince  casting directors and agents of this innate purpose.... that sucks. 

Clearly I have this consistent feeling of inferiority. I gotta get over this. And writing all of this has helped. This sort of helps quantify whatever I am trying to do. Anyway. I need to recollect and regroup. I need a gigantic change. Change won't come unless I make it. 

So I guess now you know why I haven't blogged, or bothered with catching up with anyone... I have got all of this going on in my head. And all this stuff isn't really all that great. When I started this blog I wanted it to be really positive, as opposed to most angsty things you can so easily stumble upon online. So on the positive side change will come,  Things will be different now that I have this to look at and remind myself. The best part is, once all of this transitioning is done I will be in a much better place, things will be different. I can do this. Just stick with me guys. I promise I won't disappoint you.

I hope all of you are having a great summer! Let me know how you are, and what is up in your lives! I hope to see all of you soon and in good health! Stay strong guys and thing positive thoughts for me, and for yourselves. 

Word.